How to Build Confidence
Hello Mavens!
The topic of confidence - and building it - is one that I am passionate about and is a common thread throughout my blog. It is also something that comes up with all of my coaching clients. The reason for this is pretty simple – we always end up teaching the things we struggled with the most. And I have had to work really, really, really hard at building myself up.
It is not an easy process (and of course it’s ongoing) but it is doable - and so worth it. Today I feel genuinely confident and I legitimately have my sh*t together. It feels amazing to be able to write that.
It surprises many to hear that in the past, I was severely lacking confidence and was crippled by low self esteem. I was, however, always able to pretend that I was confident - or at least present like I had a handle on everything. I was a classic case of everything is fine on the outside, but inside I’m really struggling.
The truth was I severely affected by my parent’s divorce (it took 15 years for them to finally go through with it) and I lived in a predominantly toxic home until I was 21. No doubt growing up in a house oozing with conflict and combat had a huge effect on me. While my childhood had many wonderful experiences which I am so grateful for, I was emotionally exhausted by one parent for years. By the time I was a young teenager I was constantly told I needed psychological help (by the one parent) because I was so upset and angry all of the time. Ummm, wonder why?! This, of course, didn’t do much to build confidence in myself. In fact, it tore me down to what I can only describe as a feeling of nothingness.
So many of you have stories like mine, and many are much more challenging. It’s no wonder it can be so hard for anyone to step into their full potential. Even one small traumatic event in your childhood, or even an off-the-cuff comment by some stranger (ie: “Who do you think you are trying to be an actor??”) can send us into a spiral for years.
But I believe no matter what happened in the past, or how you feel now, you can build yourself back up.
Here is what I have learned so far:
1. Confidence can be cultivated
Some people are just naturally confident. I know many of these people and I am always in awe of how they move through life. That is not the case for everyone. And if you are struggling with confidence it may seem downright impossible to imagine being confident.
But I believe confidence can be cultivated.
Building confidence is not unlike training for a marathon or going to school to attain a degree. If building confidence seems elusive to you then there’s the belief within you that confidence can’t be yours. Not surprising, really, as there seems to be this message out there that you are either born with confidence or not. And if you aren’t, well tough luck, buttercup. Booo.
What I have witnessed, and what I have experienced, is that confidence can be attained if there is a decision made to have it. You have to decide you want to build belief in yourself and then find ways to support that decision. It will be about you showing up and thinking of ways to start feeling good about yourself again. It’s different for everyone, but often it looks like seeing where in your life you started to lack confidence and then committing to a new mindset that states, “It’s time for me to step into confidence”.
This is not about blaming your past, your parents or your childhood. It is about acknowledging what has affected you (we all have a story) and then deciding that you have the power to change things. Because you do.
2. Do things that make you uncomfortable
This is a huge part of my message in my keynote Leading a Creative Career with Confidence. It is imperative that you commit to doing things you haven’t done before in order to get results you haven’t seen before.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
It takes a lot of courage to do things outside of your comfort zone. It can be downright terrifying. There will be those moments when you are hiding in a bathroom stall trying not to have a full panic attack. But the payoff is huge.
Once you prove to yourself that yes, you can do the things that make you want to barf, then you have have opened the door for confidence to join the party.
The fact is that the path to confidence is lined with discomfort.
Embrace this fact and if you can, see it as an adventure. The most confident people out there are the ones taking personal and professional risks on the reg.
So, be that kind of person.
Be the kind of person who says yes when the Universe asks them to show up. Say ‘yes’ to things that you are not sure you can pull off and see what happens. Or say ‘no’ to things that sound boring and easy and daydream about what new direction you want your life to move in. What is it going to take to start feeling confident about yourself? Hint: it all begins and ends with you.
3. Surround yourself with positive people and content
You may have already heard this before, but it is key to building confidence. You need to marinate in the positive vibes of people who support you and messages that help you believe anything is possible.
I’m not suggesting you ditch your friends and move to an ashram. But I am suggesting you hang out with people who lift you up and truly believe in you.
For some, that means changing their friendship circles. Start to wholeheartedly recognize who in your life is raising you up and who is dragging you down like cartoon quicksand.
In addition, make sure as much of the content you consume daily is making you feel good. Unfollow IG accounts that leave you cranky, stop watching violent Netflix shows and focus on consuming content that sparks optimism.
I listen to personal development podcasts whenever I can as they fuel my belief that anything is possible. I decided a loooong time ago to drown myself with optimism as a way combat my years of negative mental programming. I love hearing stories of others moving through hardship and experiencing triumph. It has helped me build belief in others (which I bring to my coaching practice) and belief in myself.
4. Consistently improve your skill set
I’m not huge into the whole ‘side hustle’ culture as I believe it supports a workaholic lifestyle, however, I do love that it encourages people to expand and improve their skillset. If there is one that that has served me very well in my career from a practical perspective is that I have always upgraded and upleveled my skills. I have constantly taken courses, read books, tried different ventures (ie: an Etsy shop, public speaking appearances) and taken on freelance clients. Even as write this post I’m enrolled in an 8-month long coaching program. Each one of these experiences has helped me discover new talents and taught me valuable lessons. This point also ties in with #2 (see above) because when set out to improve your skillset inevitably there will be those WTF moments that test your inner strength.
Over time, the more you challenge yourself and learn new things, you begin to develop this priceless inner knowing that yes, you CAN take on that big client or self-publish that ebook. And that, Mavens, builds confidence.
And you know what? Most people don’t think about doing this, especially when they get further along in life and cemented into a specific career.
Don’t do what most people do and keep building your skill set.
5. Do something good for your physical body daily
A few years ago I looked back on my life and realized that the times I felt most confident were during phases when I was exercising and taking care of myself. While not surprising, I had never really seen the connection as I can be inconsistent with moving my body regularly. As a designer, it is SO easy to just sit in front of the computer for 16 hrs and a day and not move unless I needed another cup of coffee. Yikes.
When I say do something good for your physical body, I am not suggesting you go all Jillian Michaels on me. This is NOT about building a beach bod or achieving some ridiculous level of fitness.
This is about taking in the connection between your mind and body and honouring how hard your body is working to keep you going, especially when the going gets tough. This is about supporting your physical self to become your best mental and spiritual self. There is a trifecta of care needed to be a truly confident, capable person.
Any kind of physical activity will improve mental health and reduce anxiety. What that activity should be is a question only you can answer. For some, it is doing hard-core cardio and for others, it’s doing some breathing exercises every morning (I highly recommend the Breath of Joy). The point is to make a habit of doing something good for your body every day as one way of building yourself up. This ensures you have a track record of mini successes under your belt and over time you will only start feeling better about yourself.
In conclusion
If there is a common thread between all of these points above is that building confidence takes time and commitment. It is a process. But it can be done and if anyone is telling you it can’t, see point #3 ;)
What are your tips for building confidence? Would love to hear in the comments below.
To your brave success,
Alana
